I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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