Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
