Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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