Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
