can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Everything about him screamed your future.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
