What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
