he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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