Tell her she can't have a vagina
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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