i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
