We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
