My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
