hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
