Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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