Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
