My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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