The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
3 2 1 whiskey
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
