that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
