Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
