I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
