just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
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When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
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If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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