When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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