Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
