I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize