I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
