pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
