He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she peed on how many people?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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