It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
