Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
That accounts for only three of the penises
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
