I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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