Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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