Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
