I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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