you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
