Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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