You work out of a Hotel?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
