Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
