i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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