So drunk its hurt
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
