so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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