If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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