God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
