A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
