Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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