I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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