high people should be assigned attendants
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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