These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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