Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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