maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
