but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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