I want to have your abortion
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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