his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
