So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
