chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
