The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
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I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
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He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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