when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
