someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
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WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
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I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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